By Amna Nadeem
If there’s one thing desi aunties are renowned for, it’s their ability to give unsolicited advice anytime, ANYWHERE. While most of us have been exposed to absurd myths to reduce our oh-so-visible belly fat, some myths are so ridiculous, that they deserve special acknowledgement.
We asked our co-workers to share the most insane myths they’ve ever encountered. Here are the top five.
Stuff from your Kitchen can Kill Melanin
Any woman darker than Kate Winslet has no right to inhale oxygen. That’s what our dear aunties believe. She is continuously ambushed with unwanted desi skin lightening remedies because accepting the skin tone you’ve inherited is so passé.
And melanin? What, melanin? There’s no such thing in the desi dictionary! So rub some baking soda onto your face and scrape the melanin off for good.
Eating Imli will give you Big Breasts
Breasts trump personalities, ladies, and don’t you forget it! No need to build your morals and values or invest in a career, instead concentrate on plumping those sad mosquito bites into something juicy. They’re going to do all the thinking for you.
And how do you achieve this? “Suck on (badly packaged) imli,” says the auntie! So what, if imli gives you irritable bowel?
This is some hardcore advice, because breasts are important for a good rishta and a healthy bowel is so overrated. Don’t worry, GENETICS, are for science-y lunatics.
Getting Preggers Is Only One Small Trick Away
Are you having trouble conceiving? Haye, no need to see a specialist! That’s for the weak. Keep lying down in a straight position after sex and don’t move at all so that the sperm has a smooth swim up to your ovaries. The whole purpose of a woman’s existence is to reproduce. Up until popping a baby, your life does not and should not have any meaning. And if it does, then shame on you!
So lie still for a day, week or month or until you’re SURE of the good news.
Everyone’s an expert when you’re expecting, especially the desi aunties, who can tell the gender of the baby a nanosecond after you relay the news of your pregnancy. After obsessively eyeing your bump they’ll tell you that, “if you’re carrying low, it’s a boy and if you’re carrying high it’s a girl”.
Their stare might make you highly uncomfortable but so does the sticky ultrasound and these aunties are apparently just that.
Apparently, Chewing Gum Tree is a thing?
This big old lie is thrown around at every child trying to enjoy some chewing gum. According to most desi mother’s gum never gets digested and collects in a ball inside our stomach. You know, just hangin’ in there, chillin’.
That’s a fib, for all those wondering. Our stomach is a giant pool of acid that can break down anything. You’ve pooped out that gum, along with all that pizza and the rest of the junk you’ve consumed.
We’ve all heard some pretty PG 17 housewives’ tales through our Underground Auntie Association and it never gets boring. Whether it’s about raising a child or wearing a tampon, there’s always a wacky story out there that’s bound to make you question your (and their) sanity.
Have you got some tales of your own? Share them with us!