If you are a woman in Pakistan, then your maid leaving is a rite of passage akin to puberty. They are both routine tortures that women must bear alone, trying to do without either cause a hormonal imbalance and require Grade A pharmaceutical drugs to properly recover from. If it wasn’t for the trial and tribulations of finding, keeping and losing a maid, the women of Pakistan could achieve great things. After all behind every great man is a woman with no maid issues.
The particularly South Asian phenomenon has its own stages of grief, as emotionally, mentally and physically difficult as the loss of a beloved jora to the dry cleaners.
Here is our roundup of the seven stages of Desi Maid Loss:
- Shock: She can’t have left me! I got her private tutors, helped her pass the Matric exam, built her family a house and put her heroin addict brother through rehab. After all that she LEFT?
- Denial: She’ll be back. She’s only gone to her Chacha’s wedding in the village. It’s absolutely not true she’s working somewhere else **receives Whatsapp picture of Maid working at another house**. I hope she’s enjoying the Shaadi, good thing I gave her 3 months advance.
- Bargaining: I’ve told the driver to tell her I’ll give a 20% pay increase and every Sunday off. Also she can have her own room. Acha ok, I will pay for Fair & Lovely and other name brand soaps for her.
- Guilt: I shouldn’t have made her work that Sunday after Bhai’s wedding. Maybe I should have given her my old Sana & Safinaz lawn suits? This is totally my fault. She was having that romance with the boy next door and I took away her phone. She is human after all.
- Anger: That kutti! After all these years together she goes to work for my nemesis! She knows what she’s done! She is dead to me! I curse her! I kept her phone pyaar boyfriend a secret from her mother! I will tell them! If she ever shows her face to me again I will have her thrown out on the streets!
- Depression: Why did it have to be her? Why couldn’t my husband have left? Why couldn’t the kids have failed the Grammar entrance exam? What will I do? My life is over. I will never go the gym again. I will never attend another Kitty Lunch. My hair will never be blow-dried. None of my friends talk to me anymore because I have driven them pagal talking about her. Bus. Life over. Acceptance: I don’t need her. I will find a better maid! One who will make her look like the illiterate that she is! An English speaking one which will make the other school moms burn with jealousy at the next birthday. It is decided, I am calling Alvi for a Filipino.