Up Until 25, I Used To Think About Suicide- AR Rehman
AR Rahman shared, “Up until 25, I used to think about suicide. Most of us feel that we’re not good enough. I lost my father so there was always this void. There were so many things happening and in a way, it made me fearless. Death is permanent. Since everything has an expiry date, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
He added, “Before that, things were dormant so maybe it the feeling manifested then. Because of my father’s death and the way he was working, I didn’t do many films. I did two out of 35. Everyone wondered ‘How are you going to survive? You have everything, grab it.’ I was 25 then. I couldn’t do that. It’s like eating everything. You become numb. So even if you eat small meals, you make it fulfilling.”
Rahman was nine-years-old when his father R K Shekhar – also a music composer – passed away. His family had to rent their musical equipment to make ends meet. Rahman himself ventured into music at a very young age.
He continued, “I finished everything between the age of 12 to 22. It was boring for me to do all the normal stuff. I didn’t want to do it.”
the composer confessed, “I never liked my original name, Dileep Kumar. I don’t even know why I hated it. I felt it didn’t match my personality. I wanted to become another person. I felt like that would define and change my whole being. I wanted to get rid of all the past luggage.”
He explained, “You manifest who you are and let it out. So when you are ideating on your mental drawing book, you need a lot of self-analysis and you have to dive deep within you. You need to listen to yourself. It’s hard to listen to your inner side. But once you do, you have to let loose and forget yourself.”
Rahman stated, “If I am going deep inside something and suddenly there’s a knock on the door, I’ll come to reality from a very different world and I won’t be able to go back to the same spot again. This is one of the reasons I prefer being at work very early mornings or the nights.”